Attachment theory is one of those topics that gives students an “a-ha!” moment, sometimes followed by an “uh-oh” moment for those who fear that they may not be securely attached.
But, let me start from the beginning.
Attachment theory provides a framework for explaining how we think and behave in the context of relationships. It does not explain *everything,* but it’s still a very cool and influential theory.
Our first significant relationship in life is with our parents or caregivers. Compared to other species, human babies are utterly helpless. You know how giraffes get up and go stumbling around right after birth? Yeah. Human babies can’t do that- or much of anything, save for some inborn reflexes that phase out over time. Because we are born so helpless, we rely on our caregivers for everything- for them to feed us, protect us, guide us, and love us. The extent to which we feel that our caregivers meet our needs sets the stage for future intimate relationships.
Studies using self-report questionnaires generally find that about 70% of people have a secure attachment style. They may agree with statements like “it is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me.” The same people generally report a history of warm and responsive interactions with caregivers, tend to have positive views of relationships, tend to enjoy greater satisfaction when in relationships, and are generally able to balance intimacy with personal independence. Very health-promoting stuff, this!
Those with anxious attachment styles may agree with statements like “I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.” People with this attachment style may have experienced losses or other trauma in childhood, and they tend to have mixed feelings about close relationships: while they desire to have emotionally close relationships, they may also feel fundamentally uncomfortable with it. There are links, too, between this attachment style and self-esteem. Those with an anxious attachment style may be more likely to have negative views about themselves, or to feel unworthy of responsiveness from their loved ones. Consequently, they may stop seeking relationships, or at least feel less comfortable expressing affection.
Those with an avoidant attachment style may agree with statements like “I am comfortable without close emotional relationships…I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.” These types prefer a high level of independence, seeing themselves as self-sufficient and thereby distancing themselves from situations in which they may be rejected. In its most extreme forms, some may attempt to avoid attachment altogether, or to completely suppress or hide their feelings.
Not sure where you fall in terms of attachment, or want to lean (a lot) more? The book I recommend to students who want to go deep into attachment theory is called “Attached” and it’s fantastic! It also begins with a questionnaire that you can take to learn more about your specific style.
Coming in part 2: How couples therapy addresses attachment styles.
