Let’s normalize apologizing!
Look, perfection is a myth (and a damaging one at that). At some point, you may say or do something that hurts another. If you’re an empathetic person, you probably feel really badly about that thing, whether you did it on purpose or by accident. And, you might want to work to repair your relationship with this person, or at least not leave the exchange on a hurtful note. A heartfelt apology is a great step towards doing that.
So why does it feel so hard to do? And, why do we receive so few apologies from others when WE are legitimately hurt?
One factor is our environment. Some of us grew up in environments where apologies were frequent and genuine. Having seen and heard effective apologies, we have a working model for how this exchange operates. However, some of us grew up in families or friend groups wherein we did not receive apologies, even when we were seriously wronged or betrayed. We did not experience the healing power that can come from an apology, nor did we learn the distinct skills to give one.
Another factor is that admitting to wrongdoing activates a shame response- and shame hurts! We might feel pain, humiliation, or distress. There may also be physical processes happening that we can’t feel, including release of stress hormones and activation of the sympathetic nervous system. It’s okay to sit with that feeling for a while, but don’t get stuck there. The longer you wait to make amends, the longer the other person is “sitting in the bad feelings” which can make reparation more difficult.
So, how do you apologize effectively? There are myriad articles and think-pieces on the subject, and some will suggest that 10 steps are necessary for an effective apology. But, I very much like the simplicity of the four facets outlined here:
Making an Effective Apology | Practice | Greater Good in Action (berkeley.edu)
Did you ever receive a great apology? What made it great?
